Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
