Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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