I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
