Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
