HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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