Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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