"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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