I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
