Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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