She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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