i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
