her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
