I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
