final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
