walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
