he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
