he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
