dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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