I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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