So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
