We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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