there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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