shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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