he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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