From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
