I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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