we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
