you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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