don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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