forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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