I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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