Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
