just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
