She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
