The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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