Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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