You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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