cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
