the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
