Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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