sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
