I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
