I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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