If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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