Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
