At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
