ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
