i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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