pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
