So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
